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I plan to weigh in every other day or so with what I hope are yak-worthy thoughts, musings and reconditioned events from my alleged past, my assumed present and my delusional future. If you want to comment, I will respond almost as quickly as those spam guys who claim you can make $500/day in your underwear.

Sep 29
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A final, thoroughly unsolicited opinion on Derek Jeter….

There are two ironies to the guy. While he is statistically the second greatest shortstop ever (behind Honus Wagner), with the exception of one or two seasons, he wasn’t even the best shortstop in the American League. There was always a Ripken, Guillen, Nomar, Visquel, Tejada or A-Rod that in your heart of hearts, you would take before him. 

And speaking of Alex Rodriguez, here is irony number two. If the guy was such a team player, why, when the Yankees acquired A-Rod in 2004, clearly the better shortstop, didn’t Jeter move over to second base, where they had a hole, or center field, where Bernie Williams was on the way out? He would have been tremendous in either spot. I understand the turfiness of baseball, but great players have moved many times, Pete Rose, Robin Yount and Ripken being three.

And, with the exception of this last year, in which he allowed the Yankees to money-grab the charm out of his final season, nobody ever handled his career better. Nobody. And I mean all of it.

The last time Jeter was on our show, after the Yankees won the title in 2009, he came on with Posada and Pettite, but he completely outshone the others with the way he gave it back to Dave. He was thoroughly engaged, and it almost single-handedly destroyed his reputation as a tight-lipped, yeah-no, guy. I went up to him during the break, pointed to Dave’s chair and said, “You know you could do this, don’t you?”  And he pulled his head back and gave me a “give me a break” look. 

Here’s two definitions of humility. Humility “is a clear recognition of what and who we are, followed by a sincere attempt to be everything we can be.” And “humility is  the ability to be inconvenienced.” To be Derek Jerek is to be forever inconvenienced. 

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Sep 28
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Archive Sunday: (From February 1999), my first New York Times Op-Ed….

(NOTE: As you can see, I originally called the piece Bi-Partisan Etiquette, but they changed it to the more Timesworthy “Capitol Hill Comity.” I got the idea for the piece from, of all people, my mother, a died in the wool pinko Stevenson Democrat, who said, “You need to write something about how supercilious they are in Congress with all that ‘My good friend’ crap….” Thanks, Gitty)  

BIPARTISAN ETIQUETTE                                                       

      President Clinton and Republican leaders of Congress today held  their first formal meeting in 19 months, a businesslike but chilly session that appears to have done little to pacify the cold war between them. (February 24)

     President: I’d like to thank y’all for coming today, to kick-off a new spirit of cooperation, something I like to call  “Bye Partisan, Hello Bi-Partisan.”  Hey, is that my good friend, the Senate Majority Leader? You know, a lot of people would have been worn out by low public opinion, but you got handsomer.

     (Majority Leader): Thank you, and let me say, I know in my heart the President calling me “handsome” was meant in the most  pious Christian terms, whatever they may be. I would like to address recent remarks made by my friend, my colleague, my Beltway blood brother, the House Minority Leader. We all love to toss around the phrase “my friend,” “my good friend,” but this man really is my friend, my good friend. And I contend the real measure of friendship is how honest one can be. So, my friend, my good friend, with all due respect, you are a huge wad of legislative gristle.

     President: Well, we’re off to a good start.

     (House Minority Leader): I do not agree with my friend, the distinguished guy with the hair helmet, but, in the spirit of the Founding Fathers, I will defend his right to be a complete pantload. You want to talk friends? I think I have no better friend than my valued row-mate, the representative from Florida. How many ideological-free chuckles did we share during our days on the House Defense Committee, when we took equal credit for the phrase, “More Rock, Les Aspin?” I’ve had the honor of witnessing his valiant daily  struggle with hypocrisy, and he has always been nothing short of a dedicated ignoramus. But I would like to hark back to what I believe was a vague yet fetid ultimatum he made to my fellow Democrats weeks ago and just say, “You and what Dick Armey, pal?”

     President: Good one, and I say that without a trace of pork. Hey, is that another fun-loving Southerner who tried to run me out of town?

      (R-Texas): Mr. President, in the madcap spirit of the Rule of Law, yes, it is another fun-loving Southerner who tried to run you out of town. We have a saying where I come from – when a pig sees the slop bucket coming, he don’t ask the waiter what the specials are. That is why I must respectfully aver that if my friend, my good friend, the Senator from Vermont, a universally esteemed lawmaker, which is no small achievement in this day and age for a pinko, starts yammering about “human rights” and “civil liberties,” I feel I must, with all due respect, boot my PAC lunch.

     President: Do I hear someone weakening on campaign finance reform?

     (D-Vermont): I feel honored to be here today. Because I can tell you what a good friend is, which I believe my fearlessly demented colleague from Texas is. Let me tell you what a good friend is. A good friend is a guy who, when he calls me at 2:00 a.m. to help him haul 356 empties out of his private office and into a tobacco lobbyist’s Lexus, says, “Don’t forget to ask me for cab fare and my luxury box at any Cowboys home game, I mean it.” That, my fellow recyclers, is a good friend. Or a degenerate.

     President: I know the idea is not to take sides, but let me just say about this next guy, as a statesman, one of a kind. As a man, one of the kindest. Give it up for the former Speaker of the House!     

     (Former Speaker): You know, after an introduction like that, I really should think about running for office. Heh, heh. But seriously, white ladies and gentlemen, who is more blessed than all of us? I’ll tell you who, me. Because I can sit here and listen to the austere wisdom of my fellow Republicans, and minutes later, if it’s possible to do so with admiration, and I believe it is, shudder at the craven crapulence of the pro-choice, gun-control Butt Buddies of Satan that swill in almost half of our seats. Almost half. Almost. Nice try, losers. And I mean that in the most noble sense.

     President: And to think, there were people who thought this would be businesslike and chilly. Let’s eat. Who’s hungry for something other than revenge?

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Sep 27
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Attention, the seven of you (and anyone else who stumbles here):

THE MARC MARON WTF PODCAST WILL AIR MONDAY, OCTOBER 27….THE MARC MARON WTF PODCAST WILL AIR MONDAY, OCTOBER 27….THE MARC MARON WTF PODCAST WILL AIR MONDAY, OCTOBER 27….THE MARC MARON WTF PODCAST WILL AIR MONDAY, OCTOBER 27….

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Sep 26
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RIP Polly Bergen, singer, actress, former neighbor (1930-last Sunday)….

I meant to write this Sunday, but then my aunt died and I had to drive to Boston for the funeral Monday. You know Jews…get ‘em in the ground.

Polly Bergen lived across the hall from us from 2001-2003. The first time we met her, one of the movers almost knocked my wife down and I said something to him. We got into it a little and he half-heartedly said he was sorry. 20 minutes later, our doorbell rang. Polly Bergen stood there and profusely apologized. She was 70 years old and wearing no makeup. And let me tell you, she was a stone babe. I saw her a day later in the lobby as she was on her way out and I said, “I have to tell you, Ms. Bergen, you are a babe.” She smiled and said, “I know. Still a babe.”

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Once she found out that Adrianne and her had worked the same cabarets (A gifted singer, she was rehearsing to enter the show Broadway show “Follies”) and I worked for Dave, we got along great, although most of our conversations were either at the elevator or the trash chute. I think we were in each other’s apartments twice. She was jealous of our terrace. We couldn’t believe her living room had a grand piano. One time, we were over there and she had just finished doing a turn on “The Sopranos” as Uncle Junior’s ex-mistress. She had a ball and said all the cast wanted to know was who she had slept with. Adrianne, who adored Robert Mitchum as a youngster, asked her if she had slept with him on the set of “Cape Fear.”

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She smiled the babe half-smile and said, “You HAD to, darling….”

We were both giddy that we had a movie star living next door. When she had an unexplained attack of what turned out to be circulatory problems (which plagued her much of her life), Adrianne sent her to our chiropractor, who tested her for five minutes and told her to get to the hospital. Every Christmas, that color photo above would be slipped under our door inscribed: “How much do you tip the staff? Love, P.” And when THE RINGER came out in July, 2002, she bought it, read it and wrote me a note in glorious cursive that read, “I had no idea a crazy person lived across the hall from me. Great work.”

Her first husband was a degenerate gambler and she had to rebuild her fortune twice. That’s why she never stopped working. When the jobs in the city ran out, she went back to her main house in Connecticut. Just like that, she was gone. I think we spoke to her once after she left. 

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Three different families have lived in Apartment 15C since. The current couple and their two blonde girls are never here, which is usually what you want in a Manhattan neighbor. But I keep waiting for the door to open and to see Polly Bergen, no makeup, bend down for the Times and maybe blow me a kiss.

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Sep 16
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<iframe width=”320” height=”30” src=”http://mrmedia.com/?powerpress_embed=769-podcast&amp;powerpress_player=mediaelement-audio” frameborder=”0” scrolling=”no”></iframe>

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Sep 15
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Live Performance Alert….

I will be one of the readers in something called LITERARY DEATH MATCH this Thursday night at Symphony Space on the West Side. This is a kind of Def Poetry Jam meets “American Idol” that started in England the way things like this do. And you know how I like being judged.

My publisher is thrilled I’m going to be in this, which makes one guy. Fortunately, you only have to read for 7 minutes and I think I may have found a section from SHRINK THYSELF that works. We won’t know until we run it thorough the Hipster Centrifuge.

The last time I was at Symphony Space was in 1990, when Adrianne won her first of three MAC Awards as the best female comedian in New York. So, let’s hope the vibe is still there.

If you can make it, make it. 

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Sep 14
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Archive Sunday: (From January, 1999) Roast of Martin Short….

(NOTE: This is the not the first time I had written special material for Paul Shaffer. That would have been a syndicated show called “Countdown to the Grammy’s” in 1996. It was the first time I wrote roast stuff for him, and the beginning of a great side gig relationship. Marty Short and him are old old friends. I cannot remember who was producing this roast. I’m pretty sure it was a charity thing at the theater, so I went heavy with the Broadway references. The great thing about Paul is that while he isn’t a comic, he has such an incredible ear that he can mimic the old time comics. One of these days, I will post the material I wrote when he hosted the Friars Roast of Richard Belzer. Maybe his greatest non-Letterman moment ever. In the meantime, mangia….)

JOKES FOR MARTIN SHORT ROAST 

** (IF THEY SERVE FOOD) HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT MEAL? I COULDN’T DECIDE BETWEEN THE BEEF LOMAN OR THE TOMMY TUNA.

** IT’S AN HONOR TO BE A PART OF THIS EVENING. AS I LOOK DOWN THE DAIS, I CAN’T HELP BUT THINK, “WHAT, WAS GORDON LIGHTFOOT BUSY?”

** I DON’T WANT TO TELL THE PEOPLE AT THE PLAYERS CLUB HOW TO DO THEIR JOB, BUT HERE’S A LITTLE TIP: WHEN YOU’RE PUTTING TOGETHER A ROAST, TRY TO GET ACTUAL CELEBRITIES.

** THE PRESIDENT OF THE ROUNDABOUT THEATRE IS HERE. AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR THEATREGOERS, ARTS PATRONS AND CULTURE-SEEKERS EVERYWHERE WHEN I SAY, “WHO GIVES A SHIT?”

** THE ROUNDABOUT THEATRE IS LOCATED ON 45TH AND BROADWAY. IN KEEPING WITH THE DISNEY-FICATION OF TIMES SQUARE, IT HAS BEEN TOTALLY RENOVATED. I REMEMBER WHEN IT USED TO BE THE “ROUND THE WORLD THEATRE.”

** “LITTLE ME” IS PLAYING AT THE ROUNDABOUT THEATRE. IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN “LITTLE ME,” MARTIN SHORT PLAYS EIGHT CHARACTERS, ALL OF WHOM GET BETTER REVIEWS THAN FAITH PRINCE.

** “LITTLE ME” RUNS TILL FEBRUARY 7, OR UNTIL FAITH PRINCE’S ZOLOFT PRESCRIPTION RUNS OUT.

** BY THE WAY, IF FAITH PRINCE LEAVES THE SHOW, SHE WILL BE REPLACED…BY MARTIN SHORT. (or …  “HER PART WILL BE TAKEN OVER BY MARTIN SHORT.”)

** AND WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT OF MARTY’S FORMER LEADING LADIES, HERE’S GOOD NEWS. BERNADETTE PETERS IS IN A NEW MUSICAL, “ANNIE’S GOT REALLY BIG TITS.”

** NICE THAT THE LATE CY COLEMAN COULD MAKE IT.

** CY IS WORKING ON A NEW MUSICAL, “JACQUES BREL IS DEAD, AND SO AM I.”

** CY IS VERY MODEST. A LOT OF PEOPLE DON’T KNOW THIS, BUT HE IS THE PRESIDENT AND FOUNDER OF THE HAIR CLUB FOR COMPOSERS.

** HERE’S SOMETHING ELSE A LOT OF PEOPLE DON’T KNOW. IN HIS PRIVATE LIFE, CY LIKES TO BE CALLED “MRS. ADOLF GREEN.”

** WHAT A DAIS. BERNIE BRILLSTEIN IS HERE. BERNIE BRILLSTEIN IS THE MOST POWERFUL PERSONAL MANAGER IN THIS ROOM. AND I SAY THAT BECAUSE I DON’T SEE ANY OTHER MANAGERS.

** BERNIE, YOU LOOK GOOD. DID BRAD GREY PICK OUT THAT TIE?

** LORNE MICHAELS. LORNE, GOOD TO SEE YOU AT A PUBLIC EVENT THAT’S NOT A FUNERAL. ALTHOUGH, LOOKING AT CY, I MAY HAVE SPOKEN TOO EARLY.

** LORNE MICHAELS, OR AS HE’S KNOWN AT SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, THE ANGEL OF DEATH.

** LORNE, SAW THE SHOW THIS YEAR. IT MADE ME LONG FOR THE SUBTLE COMIC TALENTS OF GARY KROGER.

** LORNE GAVE ME MY START IN SHOW BUSINESS MANY YEARS AGO. I’LL NEVER FORGET WHAT HE SAID: “PAUL, STRAP THIS BAG TO YOUR THIGH AND WALK THROUGH CUSTOMS.”

** WHAT AN EYE FOR TALENT LORNE HAS. HE’S VERY MODEST, BUT IT WAS LORNE MICHAELS WHO THREE YEARS AGO TOLD ADAM SANDLER, “GO AHEAD, KEEP DOING  THE RETARDED GUY.”

** BUT WE’RE HERE TO HONOR MY GOOD FRIEND, MARTIN SHORT. MARTY, WHAT CAN I SAY. CONGRATULATIONS. 62 YEARS OLD TODAY….

** BY THE WAY, MARTY, IF YOU GET HUNGRY, JUST CHEW ON SOME SCENERY.   (or …MARTY, YOU LOOK A LITTLE HUNGRY. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SCENERY TO CHEW ON?)

** MARTY AND I FIRST MET IN 1972 ON THE TORONTO PRODUCTION OF “GODSPELL.” I WAS THE MUSICAL DIRECTOR, MARTY PLAYED ONE OF THE APOSTLES, SNEEZY.

** IF YOU DON’T REMEMBER, “GODSPELL” WAS THE NEW TESTAMENT-BASED MUSICAL THAT ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER DIDN’T FUCK UP.

** MARTY, AS YOU KNOW, IS A HUGE FRANK SINATRA FAN. HE HAS A COLLECTION OF ORIGINAL HANDWRITTEN SINATRA SHEET MUSIC, AND SOME ORIGINAL HANDWRITTEN SINATRA THREATS.

** YOU KNOW WHAT WAS THE TOUGHEST JOB IN SHOW BUSINESS? THE GUY WHO USED TO HAVE TO TELL SINATRA, “HEY FRANK, YOUR HAIR’S ON A LITTLE CROOKED.”

** MARTY HAS BEEN A LOYAL FRIEND. OVER THE YEARS WE’VE WORKED ON SOME PROJECTS THAT HAVEN’T BEEN SUCCESSFUL. THERE WAS A BLACK/JEWISH REVUE, “AIN’T KELLOHEINU;” A MUSICAL SALUTE TO BONDAGE, “S&M. BUTTERFLY;” A TV VARIETY SERIES, “A PIECE OF ME,” WHERE EVERY WEEK WE’D BRING A SHOW TO A DIFFERENT LEPER COLONY; AND AN HOUR-LONG DRAMA WITH DELLA REESE AND MICHAEL JACKSON, “TOUCHED BY A PEDOPHILE.”

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