I plan to weigh in every other day or so with what I hope are yak-worthy thoughts, musings and reconditioned events from my alleged past, my assumed present and my delusional future. If you want to comment, I will respond almost as quickly as those spam guys who claim you can make $500/day in your underwear.
I will be one of the readers in something called LITERARY DEATH MATCH this Thursday night at Symphony Space on the West Side. This is a kind of Def Poetry Jam meets “American Idol” that started in England the way things like this do. And you know how I like being judged.
My publisher is thrilled I’m going to be in this, which makes one guy. Fortunately, you only have to read for 7 minutes and I think I may have found a section from SHRINK THYSELF that works. We won’t know until we run it thorough the Hipster Centrifuge.
The last time I was at Symphony Space was in 1990, when Adrianne won her first of three MAC Awards as the best female comedian in New York. So, let’s hope the vibe is still there.
If you can make it, make it.
(NOTE: This is the not the first time I had written special material for Paul Shaffer. That would have been a syndicated show called “Countdown to the Grammy’s” in 1996. It was the first time I wrote roast stuff for him, and the beginning of a great side gig relationship. Marty Short and him are old old friends. I cannot remember who was producing this roast. I’m pretty sure it was a charity thing at the theater, so I went heavy with the Broadway references. The great thing about Paul is that while he isn’t a comic, he has such an incredible ear that he can mimic the old time comics. One of these days, I will post the material I wrote when he hosted the Friars Roast of Richard Belzer. Maybe his greatest non-Letterman moment ever. In the meantime, mangia….)
JOKES FOR MARTIN SHORT ROAST
** (IF THEY SERVE FOOD) HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT MEAL? I COULDN’T DECIDE BETWEEN THE BEEF LOMAN OR THE TOMMY TUNA.
** IT’S AN HONOR TO BE A PART OF THIS EVENING. AS I LOOK DOWN THE DAIS, I CAN’T HELP BUT THINK, “WHAT, WAS GORDON LIGHTFOOT BUSY?”
** I DON’T WANT TO TELL THE PEOPLE AT THE PLAYERS CLUB HOW TO DO THEIR JOB, BUT HERE’S A LITTLE TIP: WHEN YOU’RE PUTTING TOGETHER A ROAST, TRY TO GET ACTUAL CELEBRITIES.
** THE PRESIDENT OF THE ROUNDABOUT THEATRE IS HERE. AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR THEATREGOERS, ARTS PATRONS AND CULTURE-SEEKERS EVERYWHERE WHEN I SAY, “WHO GIVES A SHIT?”
** THE ROUNDABOUT THEATRE IS LOCATED ON 45TH AND BROADWAY. IN KEEPING WITH THE DISNEY-FICATION OF TIMES SQUARE, IT HAS BEEN TOTALLY RENOVATED. I REMEMBER WHEN IT USED TO BE THE “ROUND THE WORLD THEATRE.”
** “LITTLE ME” IS PLAYING AT THE ROUNDABOUT THEATRE. IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN “LITTLE ME,” MARTIN SHORT PLAYS EIGHT CHARACTERS, ALL OF WHOM GET BETTER REVIEWS THAN FAITH PRINCE.
** “LITTLE ME” RUNS TILL FEBRUARY 7, OR UNTIL FAITH PRINCE’S ZOLOFT PRESCRIPTION RUNS OUT.
** BY THE WAY, IF FAITH PRINCE LEAVES THE SHOW, SHE WILL BE REPLACED…BY MARTIN SHORT. (or … “HER PART WILL BE TAKEN OVER BY MARTIN SHORT.”)
** AND WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT OF MARTY’S FORMER LEADING LADIES, HERE’S GOOD NEWS. BERNADETTE PETERS IS IN A NEW MUSICAL, “ANNIE’S GOT REALLY BIG TITS.”
** NICE THAT THE LATE CY COLEMAN COULD MAKE IT.
** CY IS WORKING ON A NEW MUSICAL, “JACQUES BREL IS DEAD, AND SO AM I.”
** CY IS VERY MODEST. A LOT OF PEOPLE DON’T KNOW THIS, BUT HE IS THE PRESIDENT AND FOUNDER OF THE HAIR CLUB FOR COMPOSERS.
** HERE’S SOMETHING ELSE A LOT OF PEOPLE DON’T KNOW. IN HIS PRIVATE LIFE, CY LIKES TO BE CALLED “MRS. ADOLF GREEN.”
** WHAT A DAIS. BERNIE BRILLSTEIN IS HERE. BERNIE BRILLSTEIN IS THE MOST POWERFUL PERSONAL MANAGER IN THIS ROOM. AND I SAY THAT BECAUSE I DON’T SEE ANY OTHER MANAGERS.
** BERNIE, YOU LOOK GOOD. DID BRAD GREY PICK OUT THAT TIE?
** LORNE MICHAELS. LORNE, GOOD TO SEE YOU AT A PUBLIC EVENT THAT’S NOT A FUNERAL. ALTHOUGH, LOOKING AT CY, I MAY HAVE SPOKEN TOO EARLY.
** LORNE MICHAELS, OR AS HE’S KNOWN AT SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, THE ANGEL OF DEATH.
** LORNE, SAW THE SHOW THIS YEAR. IT MADE ME LONG FOR THE SUBTLE COMIC TALENTS OF GARY KROGER.
** LORNE GAVE ME MY START IN SHOW BUSINESS MANY YEARS AGO. I’LL NEVER FORGET WHAT HE SAID: “PAUL, STRAP THIS BAG TO YOUR THIGH AND WALK THROUGH CUSTOMS.”
** WHAT AN EYE FOR TALENT LORNE HAS. HE’S VERY MODEST, BUT IT WAS LORNE MICHAELS WHO THREE YEARS AGO TOLD ADAM SANDLER, “GO AHEAD, KEEP DOING THE RETARDED GUY.”
** BUT WE’RE HERE TO HONOR MY GOOD FRIEND, MARTIN SHORT. MARTY, WHAT CAN I SAY. CONGRATULATIONS. 62 YEARS OLD TODAY….
** BY THE WAY, MARTY, IF YOU GET HUNGRY, JUST CHEW ON SOME SCENERY. (or …MARTY, YOU LOOK A LITTLE HUNGRY. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SCENERY TO CHEW ON?)
** MARTY AND I FIRST MET IN 1972 ON THE TORONTO PRODUCTION OF “GODSPELL.” I WAS THE MUSICAL DIRECTOR, MARTY PLAYED ONE OF THE APOSTLES, SNEEZY.
** IF YOU DON’T REMEMBER, “GODSPELL” WAS THE NEW TESTAMENT-BASED MUSICAL THAT ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER DIDN’T FUCK UP.
** MARTY, AS YOU KNOW, IS A HUGE FRANK SINATRA FAN. HE HAS A COLLECTION OF ORIGINAL HANDWRITTEN SINATRA SHEET MUSIC, AND SOME ORIGINAL HANDWRITTEN SINATRA THREATS.
** YOU KNOW WHAT WAS THE TOUGHEST JOB IN SHOW BUSINESS? THE GUY WHO USED TO HAVE TO TELL SINATRA, “HEY FRANK, YOUR HAIR’S ON A LITTLE CROOKED.”
** MARTY HAS BEEN A LOYAL FRIEND. OVER THE YEARS WE’VE WORKED ON SOME PROJECTS THAT HAVEN’T BEEN SUCCESSFUL. THERE WAS A BLACK/JEWISH REVUE, “AIN’T KELLOHEINU;” A MUSICAL SALUTE TO BONDAGE, “S&M. BUTTERFLY;” A TV VARIETY SERIES, “A PIECE OF ME,” WHERE EVERY WEEK WE’D BRING A SHOW TO A DIFFERENT LEPER COLONY; AND AN HOUR-LONG DRAMA WITH DELLA REESE AND MICHAEL JACKSON, “TOUCHED BY A PEDOPHILE.”