….but I did the annual New York Baseball Writers Dinner Saturday night. It was the fourth time I’ve performed there (1994, 2000, 2007), a record in the lively ball era. Here now is my alleged material. I hope you think it’s something. As always, if you get half the jokes, you are an obsessive sports fan and I’m gonna guess not happily married. If you get more than 75 percent, seek professional help or a clergyman. I don’t get 75 percent, and I wrote them:
At Table 87, please welcome the remaining season ticket holders for the Pittsburgh Pirates….
If you like me, I was acquired by BRIAN CASHMAN. If you don’t, Omar Minaya will claim that I begged him for the job.
Let’s take care of this right away. Congratulations to the World Champion New York Yankees. The Yankees spent over $250 million to win. Oh no, wait. That was Mayor Bloomberg.
I write sports jokes. Here’s one: Donald Trump is producing a golf-based reality show. Every week, someone is voted off Tiger Woods.
The organizers of this dinner asked me, please, no jokes about steroids. Good night, everybody!
I HAVE EXCITING NEWS. Ten years after arranging the truce between GEORGE STEINBRENNER and YOGI BERRA, SUZYN WALDMAN is very close to brokering another long overdue reconciliation, — between MIKE FRANCESA and his feet. They haven’t seen each other in 15 years.
BEFORE WE HONOR THE PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT, I need to mention a couple of folks who could not make it.
CARLOS BELTRAN not here. He should be just coming out of surgery. Breast augmentation. Don’t worry, it was cleared with two high-ranking team officials: Mr. Met’s dentist, and Fred Wilpon’s other son, Fredo Wilpon.
BUD SELIG not here. I think Bud may be losing it. He now wants the winner of the All Star Game to get home field in the World Series of Poker.
Former Mets GM STEVE PHILLIPS is not here. Couldn’t get a date….
Also not with us, ANDRE DAWSON, newest member of the Hall of Fame. I think I saw ROBERTO ALOMAR hanging around the kitchen. So, you writers that left him off your ballots, be careful with your entrees.
Last year, if you remember, the Hall of Fame inductions started late. Because RICKEY HENDERSON was in the lobby, playing cards.
Speaking of future Hall of Famers, ROGER CLEMENS is now on Twitter. Each post contains up to 140 character assassinations.
WHO’S HERE: JOE MAUER – I have some bad news. All the airports are closed. You’ll have to stay over…until 2015.
TIM LINCECUM: Be honest. Doesn’t he look like the kid in Chinatown who tries to sell you fireworks?
RON DARLING being honored tonight. He’s the best color man out there. Speaking of color men, have you seen SAMMY SOSA lately? He looks like he feel asleep in a bucket of bleach. He claims his new look is for a role as a villain in a new action film, “Corked Batman.”
BRIAN CASHMAN – Joe Torre’s coming out with a new book, called “Oops”
I feel bad for Torre. Dodgers are in complete disarray. Dodgers owner Frank McCourt’s wife filed a divorce petition laying claim to half the team. Not only that, she wants visitation rights to MANNY RAMIREZ’ baby.
If you remember, Manny tested positive for a female fertility drug. There was signs. In May, he took three games off because he was lactating.
JOE GIRARDI – Overmanaged just a little in the World Series. Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Please. There was a day off between games 2 and 3 and he still made five trips to the mound.
Here’s difference between the Mets and Yankees last year. Mets couldn’t stay healthy. If OLIVER PEREZ tried to hit JOSE REYES with a shaving cream pie, he’d end up missing two starts with a strained rotator cuff.
Who we kidding? He’d actually need to throw four pies before he hit Reyes.
OMAR MINAYA has been busy. Signed JASON BAY, and the guy who threw his shoes at President Bush.
Yanks lost a lot of people in the offseason. MELKY CABRERA, JOHNNY DAMON, CHIEN MING-WONG, KATE HUDSON….
Longtime Yankee Stadium PA announcer BOB SHEPHERD retired. 98 years old. He wants to spend more time with his girlfriend, Goldie Hawn.
DEREK JETER may be getting married. And when that happens, two million guys in the Village will go “Damn….”
Slow start to the season. A-Rod out with an injury, they lost 8 straight to the Red Sox, outrage over ticket prices. At one point, the Yankees slashed their most expensive seats from $2600 to $1250. But there was a layover in Newark.
During the first playoff game at Yankee Stadium. Mayor Bloomberg was in the $1250 seats, and had to pay another $500 for a phone book to sit on.
Mets had their money issues as well. Mets owner FRED WILPON lost $700 million to Bernie Madoff. Finally, this explains why he’s been walking around in a JJ Putz jersey.
Lost $700 million to Bernie Madoff. Of course, 6 percent of that went to SCOTT BORAS.
Yankees hit a team record 243 home runs. Which means 383 home runs were called by JOHN STERLING: “It is high, it is far, it is deep, it is….a popup to shortstop!”
75-yr-old DICK ENBERG is the Padres new play-by-play man. He’ll change his home run call from “Touch ‘em all!” to “Ask your doctor about Cialis!”
The Mets have some great promotions scheduled for this season. June 11 Tony Bernazard Appreciation Night. Half price to anyone who shows up without a shirt and challenges the usher to a fight.
Remember this? Last May at Citi Field, a fan jumped onto the field with nothing but a stuffed animal around his waist and slid into second. Please get some help, Joaquim Phoenix.
This is a little lame, after he was arrested, the fan claimed he had gotten the naked steal sign from Jerry Manuel.
BUT WHAT AN MEMORABLE FINISH TO THE SEASON. The Yanks defeated the Phillies in 6 games, and then two days later, it was Christmas.
Game 3 of the World Series went so long, CHARLIE MANUEL’S wife called in on the bullpen phone and told him to come to bed.
I think my favorite moment during the series was in Game 5, when the umpires huddled four times during to get Joe West’s dinner order correct.
Did you see the “Flomax Replay” on Fox during the World Series? I’m confused. Isn’t Flomax supposed to prevent replays?
My favorite story was the Phillies fan, a woman who ran an ad offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets. She offered sex in exchange for tickets to games in Philadelphia . Which I guess means she wasn’t allowed to use a DH.
Wild celebration after Game 6 at the Stadium. Derek Jeter jumped on a police horse and took a lap around CC Sabathia.
Come on. He’s big. Rex Ryan said, “Whoa. Have a salad.”
Come on. CC Sabathia buttoning his pants is best of seven.
The Yankee victory parade was held downtown in the Canyon of Heroes . And how’s this for a break? The parade came two days after the city had finished cleaning up from the 2000 Yankees victory parade.
Yankee fans were represented in the parade by FREDDY SCHUMAN, the 84-year-old guy who spends entire games banging a frying pan with a wooden spoon. This guy gets a parade. My Uncle Murray has been doing that for 20 years, no hospital will take him.
By the way, 2 weeks from tonight is BABE RUTH’S birthday. The Babe woul have been 115. Or two years younger than JULIO FRANCO.
