I have waited the appropriate amount of time. And now, here is Michelle O’Callaghan’s favorite story of mine…..
In 1998, I was writing on the ESPYs. Norm McDonald was the host, an old friend from stand-up days. His opening monologue is still lengendary, and the last time anyone was allowed to do anything remotely edgy on the show. That year, the ESPYs were produced by Lorne Michaels company, Broadway Video, which meant you spent a lot of time at the Saturday Night Live offices, mostly just hanging around and bullshitting with Norm. At one point, and I can’t remember what I was talking about, although it was probably about gambling. I had quit two-plus years before, and Norm was still going strong. Not the point. I say, “Hey Norm, you know what I tried a month ago and I never thought I’d like it but now I love it?” And Norm says, “Cock?”
I burst out laughing, but at the same time, I think, “I need to remember this formula.”
Okay, cut to five years later. I am running around the reservoir with a guy I met at the gym. We were introduced by our trainer, who was trying to get me to start running. My trainer said, “You should run with this guy. He’s a good guy. He ran in high school and is just getting back into it to lose weight, so he’ll be helpful.” Well, the guy was great. He was a good, steady runner, a really nice guy, but most important, because he knew how to run, he did ALL the talking and I just tried to keep up with him. He would talk about his job, the city, his family, computers. Just yakking.
So now, we’ve been running together for three weeks and we’re on our last lap around the reservoir. He’s talking, and suddenly he says, “Hey, you know what I tried last week that I never thought I’d like, but now I love it?” And I say, “Cock?” And after a couple dozen hoofbeats, he says, “No. Oat bran.”
15 minutes later, we’re doing our cool-down walk down Fifth Avenue, and he says to me, “Now, about the cock remark. You know I’m gay, don’t you?”
And I said, “I do now.”
Michelle used to make me tell that story at least once a year. Didn’t want to miss this year.
